New Year’s Wishes

NEW YEAR'S WISHES

What do you wish for the New Year? Some people make New Year's resolutions, many of which barely make it through January. Some people specifically refuse to make New Year's resolutions because they find them unhelpful or counterproductive. But, what would you wish for?? That's a different question.

Maybe you wish for yourself or your family to be healthier. Maybe you wish for your relationship with your spouse to be better. Maybe you wish for your children to be better behaved or do better in school. Maybe you wish for a better job (by whatever measurement you choose). Maybe you wish to improve your education.

Whatever it might be, it can start as a wish. Obviously, wishing doesn't make things happen. Wishing doesn't solve a problem or change situations. But it can be a way of putting our ideas into perspective.

There is a great trick that can be used with children when they want something that we can't give them. Perhaps you are driving with them and they are crying because they want something to eat or drink, right now. You can't provide that at this minute. If you just argue with them and say “We'll be home in a little while and you can eat or drink then”, you may not make them feel any better. But, if you give them in wishes what you can't provide in reality, you encourage them to think differently about the situation. Humour and absurdity can help also. You may tell them “Do you wish you had a whole bucketful of water? Do you wish the whole car was full of water? Do you wish you had a whole mountain of food?” and it is likely you will have them giggling rather than whining.

First, you wish, then you can think about what you might do. It's easiest to start small. It doesn't take much to be kind to someone, whether a friend or a stranger. Try something new- make something, go somewhere you've never been, read a new book, learn how to cook something, dance or sing or do something you always wanted to do but were afraid you wouldn't be able to do perfectly. Stop worrying about perfect! Do the thing for yourself, and don't pay any attention to what someone else might think. Do a little exercise- go for a walk, do some yoga, find an activity you enjoy. Call a friend. Listen to your significant other or your child without interruption (just let them tell you how they feel). Don't necessarily focus on a long term goal or a large project. Do one thing at a time and then, give your own self positive feedback. “Yay for me! I did it!!”

My favourite New Year's messages are from Neil Gaiman who has written them on several occasions. One of them, written in 2004, was “I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.”

What do you wish?

Embarrassing Accidents

Few situations are more distressing than having a personal accident in a public place. Having sudden onset of uncontrollable diarrhea is horrible. Accidentally losing control of your bladder, especially while laughing or enjoying yourself, can be very upsetting. Finding out that your period started and you have blood showing on your clothes while at school or work can be devastating. Projectile vomiting without warning can be gross and uncomfortable all at once. There are all sorts of ways our bodies produce substances that we would rather they didn't in public!

When these things happen (as they do to almost everyone in some way or another), many people will feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed. We may remember getting in trouble as a child for having bowel or bladder accidents. Our parents may have shamed us and told us that we were “bad” or “filthy” because of our body functions. Many women have been taught that their menstrual periods are “dirty” and must always be kept secret. Having a period, a fact of every female life for several decades of her adulthood, is supposed to be hidden. Even the simple situation of a sanitary pad or tampon falling out of her purse causes ridicule.

Since embarrassing accidents happen to every human being, we may be able learn to handle them without feeling personal shame. We didn't do anything wrong. It's not at all in our control. We can accept that “it just happened” and do what we can to move forward.

Aside from bodily functions acting in unexpected ways, there are so many other times we get embarrassed. We say the wrong thing. We make a mistake. We have “wardrobe malfunctions”. We trip. We forget things.

A blog post by Therese Borchard has great ideas about how to handle these embarrassing moments in https://www.huffpost.com/.../overcoming-embarrassment_b.... One of my favorites is “Visit humiliations past”- think back to a time you thought you would die of embarrassment, and you didn't! As I have heard in another meme “You have survived 100% of your worst days. You're doing fine!”

Another method of getting past an embarrassment is to “Solicit other stories” - when you share your most embarrassing moment with a friend, they are emboldened to tell you theirs and you all can laugh at how horrible it can be, and how we all have those moments. It becomes something two humans share, and that makes us feel better.

Learning how to deal with life's embarrassments is good for your self-esteem in the long run! We deal with things and move on. If you continue to have trouble with self-blame or self-shame, you may need a good therapist to help you learn to accept yourself, just as you are. For more information about how therapy can help with these problems, contact Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate at Hill Country Family Therapy

Cognitive Errors Part 5

LABELING is another common cognitive error which can affect how you feel about someone. It involves making a judgment about others or even yourself based on an isolated event. They are usually negative and extreme.

For example, your colleague doesn't finish one report on time, and you label them as “useless” for all time. You make a single mistake and you tell yourself “I'm a jerk” or “I'm a loser”.

Labeling other people is usually harmful to any type of relationship. Labeling yourself can be harmful to your own self-esteem.

Even when people don't intend harm, LABELING can creep into their thinking. A mom can be talking to another mom and say “Oh, John is just like his dad. He's a slow learner”. When John overhears this, he can conclude that he really is a slow learner and won't ever be able to do well. This can cause him to give up trying harder or asking for help, since he's already been labeled as “slow”. It can be very damaging to his self-esteem.

Many of us do it all the time with strangers. We see someone driving faster than the speed limit and we label them as “crazy drivers”. We may not realize there really is an emergency and they are trying to get there in time. We see a person do something in the grocery store and we label them as “rude”, when we don't know that they have a hearing problem and didn't understand what was said. Making an assumption and labeling people based on a single incident is rarely helpful.

If you find yourself LABELING others or yourself in this way, step back and ask if you really think the label is an accurate assessment of that person's overall personality or behavior. Ask yourself if more information would likely change your thinking. Sometimes, people need a good psychotherapist to help them understand why they have this pattern of thinking and how to change it. My husband, Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate, is available at Hill Country Family Therapy for individual, family, or couples' therapy.

Cognitive Errors Part 4- Shoulds and Coulds

A very common thinking error is SHOULDS AND COULDS. This is when you focus on what you think should be happening, how an experience should be, what other people should be doing, and expecting that you should feel a certain way.

You may think “People should always be on time” and make no exceptions for circumstances. When someone is not on time, doesn't do as you think they should, you can become upset or frustrated. Even if they have a good reason for being late, you may feel disappointed. It can affect how you feel about the person in the future if your mind has already made the leap to “I can't trust them to be on time”.

At other times, you may apply the SHOULDS AND COULDS to yourself. “I should go to the gym every day”. But sometimes other things happen and interfere with that “should”. Maybe you had to work late and couldn't get to the gym. Maybe you were ill and couldn't exercise. Even though those may be perfectly reasonable circumstances to prevent you from going to the gym, you may blame yourself or become over-critical of yourself. “I'm never going to exercise enough. It's not going to help anyway.” You may complain to others that “These things always happen to me. It's probably a sign that I should quit trying.”

I've asked kids in my office “What grade are you in?”. Sometimes, they say “I should be in 4th grade” (usually because they were held back a year for academic reasons). I'll tell them that “should” doesn't really matter. What grade are they actually in? They will admit that they are now in 3rd grade. I'll discuss with them that if they are in 3rd, then, that's where they are supposed to be right now. We talk about how they are doing and focus on the current experiences instead of what they think they “should” be doing.

If you catch yourself using “SHOULDS AND COULDS” either about yourself or how you feel about other people, stop and think about what actually is happening. Sometimes, people need a good psychotherapist to help them understand why they have this pattern of thinking and how to change it. My husband, Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate, is available at Hill Country Family Therapy for individual, family, or couples' therapy.

Cognitive Errors Part 3: Disqualifying the Positive.

Have you ever had someone give you a compliment? “Your hair looks nice”. “That's a cute dress. It really looks good on you”. “You did a good job on this project”. Do you ever think “Oh, they are just saying that because they want something from me” or “Oh, this old thing, it's nothing special” or “I'm not really good at that”. Do you ever have something good happen, and think “I'm sure it won't last” or “I don't deserve good things”?

This is a cognitive error called “Disqualifying the Positive”. By constantly dismissing good things that happen or positive things people say, you are thinking that positive things don't count or aren't important. You expect bad things to happen, so you tend to think negatively about any good experience.

One exercise that I saw in a group was for each person to turn to the person next to them and give them a compliment. Some of the people knew each other well, but some didn't. It wasn't usually difficult to find something nice to say to the person. “Your eyes are beautiful”, “I love how your smile brightens your face”, or “You have really good taste in your clothes” were some of the sincere compliments. The rule was that the other person was supposed to respond to the compliment simply by saying “Thank you”. No dismissing of the compliment. No pointing out something negative about themselves to counteract the compliment. They were only allowed to accept the positive statement without any disqualification.

Not surprisingly, some people had a lot of trouble just accepting the compliments. Some just could not believe that someone else would say something nice about them for no reason, and not to gain anything from them. They kept trying to dismiss it and give excuses, but the other members of the group would not allow them to do that. They continued to encourage the person to just accept and thank the giver. It's difficult for people who think negatively about themselves to accept that anyone could find something positive about them.

If you find yourself disqualifying positive experiences, a good psychotherapist can help you learn to understand this cognitive error and learn to accept yourself as you are. For more information about how therapy can help with these problems, contact Martin Noel, LMFT-Associate at Hill Country Family Therapy.

Cognitive Errors Part 2: Personalization

One of the most common errors in thinking is taking things personally when they don't have anything to do with you at all. You may see someone make a face or make a comment and automatically think they don't like you. Something bad happens and you blame yourself even when it is not in your control.

Many people blame themselves for past trauma. If they were abused as a child, or in a relationship, them may feel that it was their own fault. They think that if they hadn't done something or another, it wouldn't have happened. Sometimes, their abuser even tells them that! Because they are personalizing the trauma, blaming themselves, they can develop serious mental health issues.

It's also easy to personalize minor things. Another driver gets in front of you and slows down, causing you to have to slow down. “That &%@ idiot is making me late. They must hate me because I have a nice car.” You text your boyfriend/girlfriend and they don't respond immediately. “I know they don't really love me anymore and probably want to break up”. You find out later that their phone battery was dead for a while causing a delay that had nothing to do with their feelings about you.

In “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz, one of the most important lessons is “Don't Take Anything Personally”. It's not about you! People do things everyday that don't have anything to do with you; it's all about their own feelings or perceptions. Just because you perceive something you don't like doesn't mean that anything they said or did was directed at you.

I tell my patients that there are millions of people in the world who will not like them! For reasons that have nothing to do with who *they* actually are- what clothes you like, your hair or skin color, the size or shape of your body, your religion or nationality. And you can't control how they feel about you. However, there will be lots of people who will actually like you for who *you* are- will get to know you and care about you. Those are the people you will want to be friends with!

For more information about dealing with these feelings, you can call Dr. Cheryl Coldwater at 512-553-1740 or make and appointment at https://big-sky-pediatrics.clientsecure.me/.

On Spanking Children

As shown in a recent study, spanking really doesn't help and can actually cause harm. There are much more effective ways to improve a child's behavior.

Some people say "I got spanked/hit when I was a kid, and I turned out just fine".

My response (not always popular) is that if you now find that your only response to your child's misbehavior is spanking and hitting, I would argue that you really didn't "turn out fine"!

Teaching children how to manage their anger, how to respond to situations that didn't turn out as they expected, how to respond when other people disappoint them are all very important parts of parenting. When children are spanked for their behavior, they mostly learn to hit when they don't like something. They don't (in almost all the literature for the last several decades) learn to change their behavior.

Positive reinforcement of good behavior, setting limits and giving consequences such as time-out or taking away toys or privileges are healthy forms of discipline that encourage appropriate behavior for the long term.

If you are having trouble with your child's behavior, I can evaluate them and we can come up with a plan to help change the behaviors so you and your family will all be happier and healthier!